Beyond Reason
by moonrainer
Summary: During her final year at Hogwarts, ambitious and prudent Auror-to-be Alice is faced with a decision that could change her life forever.


**A/N** All the characters and places you recognise here are based on J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter series. The story below however is entirely my own.

* * *

"I don't understand why you're still getting your hopes up."

Marlene, whose gaze had been fixed on Sirius Black and his friends leisurely strutting down the corridor, spun around. "Excuse me?"

Dorcas's expression was mixture of amusement and pity. "It's _Black_! What do you expect?"

Snorting, Marlene stammered, "What? No. No! I'm not- I wouldn't-"

"Oh, come on!" Dorcas smirked knowingly. "It's plain obvious every time you look at him."

"No, no way! Alice, tell her!"

Alice was leaning against the wall, also smiling lightly. "Sorry Marlene, but we all know it's true."

"See? No need to deny that you've fallen for him!" Dorcas blurted, attracting the attention of several of their classmates who were coming out of the Transfiguration classroom where their last lesson of the day had just finished.

Marlene's face had turned completely red and she immediately became very interested in the cracks on the floor.

"And Dorcas is right, you know," Alice said gently. "You shouldn't be wasting your time on him. He's a hopeless case."

"Oh, what do you know?" Marlene shot at her. "Everyone can tell that the one you can't stop thinking about is head over heels in love with you!"

Now it was Alice's turn to go pink. A flash of guilt ran through her. She hadn't wanted to make Marlene bitter. But Marlene's angry expression softened instantly.

"Sorry. I know you mean well." Taking Alice's hand, she added, "And I'm happy for you, really. I just don't understand why the two of you aren't a thing yet."

"Yeah, me neither," Dorcas chimed in. "But I don't get any of this romantic rubbish anyway. What's the big deal?"

Peaking at her watch, she gasped. "Oh damn it, I'm late! Sorry, gotta go! For _I_ ," Dorcas stated boldly with a meaningful smile on her face, "have far more important things to think about than boys. Besides, I'd probably prefer girls anyway." She winked, throwing her bag over her shoulder. "I'm off - see you later!" Gracefully, she darted around the corner.

"So, tell me," Marlene said when Dorcas was gone and the rest of the class had dispersed, "What's going on there with you and Frank?"

Alice tried to avoid her gaze. "Not much, really," she admitted.

"And why's that?" Marlene pressed on. "Don't you like him?"

Alice sighed. "Of course I do! He's great. Friendly and considerate and interesting and adventurous and all that…" She could have gone on for hours. There was not a single thing she could think of that she disliked about him, actually.

"And as we've already established, he likes you too! A lot, if you ask me." This made Alice blush again. "He'd be your boyfriend in a second."

Shuffling her feet, Alice objected: "Maybe… But even if that was true, he's so far away and quite busy with his training…"

"Come off it!" Marlene exclaimed. "He's always writing! And you're writing back! You don't think I know about all the letters? You're getting at least three a week." Taking Alice by the shoulders, she added imploringly, "Look, you're perfect for each other. Ask anyone! You could be so happy together."

Alice had to look down. She knew that Marlene was right. There was no point in arguing that she and Frank would not make a good couple.

"So what's holding you back?"

Alice opened her mouth, but thinking better of it, she closed it again. She couldn't tell Marlene; she felt stupid just thinking about it. Alice had been musing about the whole situation for a long time, and it frustrated her a great deal that she couldn't seem to come up with the right solution to the problem.

Marlene was probably sensing how uncomfortable Alice felt, because when she next spoke, there was a more comforting tone to her voice. "Feelings are weird, I know that. And it's okay if you don't want to talk about them. But remember," she went on, looking Alice straight in the eye, "that you should never try to run away from your emotions."

"Says the one who keeps refusing to admit she's into Sirius Black," Alice teased her, smirking.

Marlene grimaced. "Well, just because I don't say so in public doesn't mean that I haven't accepted it internally... But anyway, this isn't about _me_!" She took Alice's hand and started walking down the corridor. "I'm speaking to you as a concerned friend here. I don't want you to miss out on anything just because you're afraid."

"You sound like a true Gryffindor."

"I am!" Marlene exclaimed. "Which is also why I encourage you to fully embrace life and all that comes with it, even if it means that you have to take risks."

"Thank you, Marlene, your advice is always greatly appreciated." Alice squeezed her friend's hand. "I guess I just need some time to think…"

* * *

Initially, Alice had wanted to go to the library, but then she realised that she was not going to get any work done with her mind occupied like this. As it was still only afternoon, she decided that taking a walk would probably be best. She had almost reached the entrance hall when she passed a window and threw a quick glance outside, only to see thick black clouds banking up on the horizon. _Very well then_ , she thought to herself, _I'll just wander around inside the castle for a bit._

The castle's corridors were so familiar to her that she didn't even have to pay attention to where she was going, which made it possible for her to reminisce about the conversation she'd just had with her friend.

Marlene's concern had struck a chord: Alice was afraid. Could she trust her feelings? Weren't there too many obstacles between her and him? Additionally, now was not exactly a good time to take risks: The wizarding world was looking darker and darker every day. Alice reckoned that it was better not to get too attached to happiness so that, should she lose it, it wouldn't be so hard.

Besides, did she even have the nerve for a relationship? Schoolwork was overwhelming, not to mention what would await her after leaving Hogwarts this summer. She desperately wanted to fight, work as an Auror, and did that not require rigorous commitment and focus?

Having been consumed by her thoughts for quite a while, Alice suddenly found herself facing a wall, or more precisely, a very ugly tapestry depicting an over-enthusiastic wizard attempting to teach a couple of trolls what looked like ballet dancing. Had she been here before? How exactly did she get here?

Eyeing the tapestry suspiciously, she took a few steps back, only to collide with a suit of armour. Alice shrieked and spun around in surprise. _See, that's what happens when you're fogging up your head like that, silly_ , she reproached herself. Taking deep breaths to calm herself down again, she quickly waved her wand to reassemble the metal pieces that were littering the floor.

It was then that she noticed a door in front of her. It was strange: Although it looked quite ordinary, something deep inside Alice urgently told her to open it. Before she could think twice about it, her hand was on the door handle, giving it a firm push.

The door opened widely without making a sound. It seemed as though the room was inviting her in. Alice stepped forward into a dimly lit chamber with a surprisingly high ceiling. Candles floated alongside the walls, throwing swirling shadows across the floor. The room seemed to be empty except for a large mirror that stood in its very middle. Curious, Alice walked towards it to examine it closer.

It had an elegant golden frame in which an inscription was engraved which she couldn't read. Wondering if she would be able to guess the language it was written in, she let her gaze briefly slide over her reflection – and gasped.

Yes, it was her, but she wasn't alone. Immediately, she glanced over her shoulder. No, there was no one else in the room with her. But then why was she seeing…

Slowly turning around again, she stared at the reflection. Right there next to her stood Frank, one hand slung around her shoulder, his familiar features making her heart beat a little faster. He was smiling, and the sight of him being so happy made her feel like butterflies had just hatched in her stomach.

However, she noticed that he wasn't looking at her. Instead, his gaze lingered on something that he held to his chest with the arm that was not embracing Alice. A pleasant shiver ran through her when she realised that it was a baby. It was sleeping tightly and looked so peaceful, so beautiful, so pristine…

Alice sighed unconsciously. That was exactly what it was supposed to be like: Just Frank and her and this little being. Love. Belonging. Safety. Nothing to worry about. Frank looked up at her and beamed. Alice had never felt so warm and comforted. Yes; this was all she wanted.

Everything about what she saw seemed to call to her, beckoning her closer. She reached out, but her heart sank when her hand touched the cold glass of the mirror. She couldn't get any closer. It was just a picture. It wasn't real. Disappointment flooded through her, and she sank to her knees.

What she saw was inaccessible, unattainable. She couldn't start a family. She had other, more important, less selfish ambitions. Those were dark times. Everything was dangerous, and everyone had to fight for themselves. There was no place for vulnerability.

Alice sat in front of the mirror for so long that she lost track of time completely. Not once averting her eyes from the reflection, she couldn't think straight anymore. All she wanted was right there in front of her, and yet so far away. She felt helpless, uncertain, and gloomy. Her mind seemed to revolve around one single question: How could she ever be happy without that which she truly desired, having now realised what it was?

* * *

By the time Alice had made it back to the Ravenclaw common room, the thoughts in her head had stopped spinning. She felt as though she was under a spell; she couldn't even remember what the entrance riddle had been.

Passing a group of fourth years who were gathered around the fireplace reading, she went straight up to her dormitory and, feeling like it was no use trying to do anything else, went to bed. She fell asleep almost immediately.

When she suddenly woke up again, she felt like hours must have passed. Judging by the darkness, it was still night time. The quiet around her was interrupted by a soft but distinct knocking noise which came from her window. Half asleep, she slowly untangled herself from her blankets and got up to establish the source of disturbance.

Alice was surprised to find the large barn owl sitting on her window sill, tapping the glass with its beak. "Apollo," she whispered, opening the window to let in the owl who had become so familiar to her over the last months. Nibbling her finger affectionately, Apollo proudly held out his leg which had a small letter attached to it.

Still feeling very sleepy, Alice fumbled for her wand on the bedside table. " _Lumos_." Seeing his handwriting made her heart beat faster. This wasn't a dream, was it? What a strange coincidence…

He wrote that he hadn't been able to sleep recently, and that tonight he had decided, instead of just staring at the ceiling from his bed, to write to her instead, hoping that his letter would reach her in the morning. (Obviously, he had underestimated Apollo's determination to deliver as fast as possible.)

As she read on, Alice absent-mindedly stroked the owl's plumage. Was this a sign? In the past, she would have laughed at such an idea; it was too surreal. There was no such thing as destiny – impossible! But actually, she suddenly thought, this was ludicrous. In much the same way, muggles denied that magic existed.

She then remembered the mirror reflection and once she thought of it, she couldn't get it out of her head again. Alice closed her eyes for a second, clearly picturing the smile on Frank's face as he looked down on the baby in his arms…

And in that moment, she made the decision. "Damn it," she muttered under her breath, trying hard not to start giggling out of excitement. Thrilled, she rummaged her trunk for a spare piece of parchment, snatched a quill and some ink out of her school bag and started writing.

Apollo waited silently until she'd finished, and when she finally attached her letter to his leg, the sun had begun to rise, filling the dorm room with a warm glow of light which could have come straight from Alice's heart.

This was it. All or nothing. She opened the window, and the owl took flight.

Alice sat on her bed for a while, empty-headed but happy. Somehow, everything seemed more than okay now. It was simply an impression, an odd feeling. For once in her life, she had taken action, just like that, and she couldn't help but feel that she had done the right thing.

* * *

 **A/N** Oh God, I realise how soppy this is (and I usually dislike overly cheesy stuff like that), but I really wanted to write about Alice before she became a well-respected Auror, showing that her first real act of bravery might have been disregarding reason and listening to her heart. (Kitsch alert!)

Thank you for making it through the story! I hope is wasn't too cringe-worthy...


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